Openness: Curious or Contented

In the attempt to continue to figure out who God has made me to be, this has helped me to kind of "peg" what I do and why I do it. It's not the WHOLE nutshell, but some;)

On the Openness Dimension you are:
CURIOUS

Words that describe you:
Original
Inventive
Thinker
Brave
Eccentric
Avant-Garde
Out-of-Touch
Unique

A General Description of How You Approach New Information and Experiences
You think like an artist. Or better, you SEE like an artist. While most people look at life's straight lines, its height and depth and width, you're bending the lines with your imagination and turning black and white into shades of blue and yellow. And in conversations at work or with your friends you want to ask, "Do you see what I see?" A few might, most don't, but you've piqued everyone's curiosity with your own original and inventive ways of thinking.
You can, if you must, think in conventional ways. But left on your own, you'll usually opt for the eccentric or avant-garde; in fact you're usually bored with what everyone else is comfortable with. You learn from reading, talking, watching people and other fauna and flora, and simply sitting in the soft chair of your mind and wondering how people would learn how to count if they could only use uneven numbers. You are out in front of conventional ideas, bravely originally defining true and false, right and wrong, the good, the bad and the ugly.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward Your Style of Thinking
You drive through life faster than the speed limit, and when you hit speed bumps, and you hit a lot of them with your mind distracted from the straight line ahead your wheels leave the ground.
For people who like life at a safer speed, you move too fast and lose touch too often with the solid ground they prefer, hence their discomfort with you. As odd as you might find this, many people feel safe in the shelter of the world they already know. They like the familiar. They breathe easily and sleep deeply knowing with more certainty how the world works. So although they might enjoy your company and be curious about your latest notion of how to count backwards by threes, they can only take you in small doses. And they wish you'd quit trying to push the boundaries of their personal and social cosmos.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You
Even those whom you make uncomfortable know, as just about everyone does, that you're not a flake. You think well, and even your wildest fancies have their roots in the deep soil of sound ideas and tested beliefs. So even if some people don't want to drive at high speed with you, they will respect you for your courage as an innovative and unconventional thinker. You lend color and imagination to what would otherwise be the straight black and white lines of their work world and social environments.
A few more daring people of your circle might even learn from you to take a risk they would otherwise never consider. As comfortable as they are on solid ground, they may be curious about what it would be like to go faster than the speed limit, or paint the living room two shades of blue, or question ideas or beliefs they've fingered like sacred beads since they were children.
After all, they watch you do it, and you seem no worse for the risks you take. In fact, your eyes are wider and your breath quicker, and maybe they can find at least a bit of this for themselves. To be certain, they don't want their wheels to leave the ground, but maybe the next time they approach a speed bump they might just brace themselves and speed up just a little bit.

Agreeableness: Taking care of others or taking care of myself

In the attempt to continue to figure out who God has made me to be, this has helped me to kind of "peg" what I do and why I do it. It's not the WHOLE nutshell, but some;)

You are best described as:
USUALLY TAKING CARE OF OTHERS

Words that describe you:
Understanding
Unquestioning
Humane
Selfless
Gentle
Kindhearted
Gullible
Indulgent

A General Description of How You Interact with Others
Here's one important truth about you: you have a tender heart. Yes, you know that others need to learn to take care of themselves. Yes, you know they need to accept the consequences of their foolish or bad behavior. And sometimes, even when your instinct is to help them, you will let them fend for themselves and let them suffer the consequences of their choices or circumstances.

But most of the time you are there to help when they need you. If they are in trouble, you offer compassion and go out of your way to be helpful. If they need someone who will listen, you are trustworthy and sympathetic. And you are direct with them; when they need advice or counsel, you offer it in a straightforward, direct manner, without beating around the bush.

You're also smart enough to know that you cannot take good care of others if you fail to take good care of yourself, so you listen to your own wants and needs. If you've run out of sympathetic energy, you spend time restoring yourself. If you've ignored your own pain or frustration, you find a friend who will listen well, or go into your own private healing place and give yourself permission to focus on you.

But before long, you're back at it with your friends, offering a sympathetic ear and compassion on which they learn to trust, also giving straightforward advice and counsel when they ask for it. You do know how to take care of yourself, but your genuine interest is in taking care of others.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You
Selfish people might be embarrassed by you. While they're using their time and energy almost exclusively on themselves, they see you giving time to others, and your kindness puts them in a bad light.

Maybe they'll think you're a phony, that you use your altruism to get others indebted to you so they'll then owe you a favor. Or perhaps they'll accuse you, directly or behind your back, of focusing on the needs of others so no one ever focuses on your foibles or your genuine wounds.

All of these are false accusations; yours is a genuine compassion, because you truly have a tender heart. One criticism might be more substantial, though. People might notice when you let things get out of balance and spend so much time responding to others that you neglect your own needs.

Perhaps it's true to some extent that you are more comfortable when the focus is on someone else's needs than when you and your needs are front and center, and this may be a criticism worth paying attention to.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You
Positive responses to you are likely to far outweigh negative responses. For many people, your genuine kindness will be an example of a way to treat others and a way we want others to treat us. They will see in you the traits of compassion and sympathy which they might want to focus on in the development of their own character.

For those people you help you will be the friend they need, there at the right moment to help them when they've stepped into yet another thicket of pain or confusion. They will be grateful for your listening, for your straight talk when they need straight talk more than anything, and for the hand you extend so they can find their way, with your help, out of whatever tangle they've gotten themselves into.

“Christ of his gentleness/Thirsting & hungering/Walked in the wilderness/Soft words of grace he spoke/Unto lost desert-folk/That listened wondering".

By the way, i know for me that resolutions made, crumble and fall for year, every year.
Blah.

God's doin' a lot of amazing work with our bible study, our friend Kirsten had mentioned what her church was doing and instead of lists of breakable resolutions,

we focus on One Word.

myoneword.org
Choose Your Word
The normal, natural pace of you life will not likely push you towards spiritual formation, so something must be done to combat our listless drifting. You will not simply wander into the life for which you were made.
My One Word can help. This exercise forces you to be clear and creates a direction for your growth, without causing you to be overwhelmed by the hundreds of things you should be working on.
So how do you go about picking a word?
DETERMINE THE KIND OF PERSON YOU WANT TO BECOME
The first step is to simply take some time and decide what kind of person you want to be at the end of this year. This goes beyond simply being healthier and wealthier, but it must drive deep into your soul. What about the condition of your heart? What about the person that God Himself has created you to be?
IDENTIFY THE CHARACTERISTICS OF THAT PERSON
Get a picture of that person and then simply identify their major characteristics.
Is that person gentle?
Is that person generous?
What are the qualities of the person you want to become?
SIMPLY PICK A WORD
Once you have a list of the characteristics, simply pick a word. There might be fifteen things that you want to change, but you must resist the temptation to promise you will do them all. Instead, simply commit to ONE WORD.
This will provide you with a lens to see the changes you need to make as well as a way to determine whether or not change is actually happening. Understand that this process is hard, but staying focused on your word will help you to struggle in the right direction so that you can actually see God working in your life.
We will be sharing this journey together-let us know how God is changing you by sharing your one word, and reading about the experiences of others on the read page. This is a journey that we are taking together, hoping that God will change us for the sake of ourselves, the other people in our lives, and ultimately for His own Glory.

My word is:
Gentleness

Upon praying and first hearing this word, I was like "whhaaaa??"
Fear was my first initial feeling, associating Gentleness with weak, being a push-over or door-mat. So I brought this fear to God and Lord confirmed "You're still strong by being gentle, by being assertive, you're still strong and courageous by being who you are in gentleness. You will not be walked over".
Whew. My heart breathed sigh of relief. As you may have read in one before this entry, God's exposing weaknesses within my heart that I am to give to him and areas in my heart to do with attention and standing up for myself.. need turning over to God and adjusting.

Lord promises me that He's bringing me balance, in this dance He's bringing me back to my center-point, somewhere to start off from.. if working this gentle word into my life is it, then.. bring it.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control." (Galatians 5:22)

I know the Lord is intentional with His written word. To learn His intentions for the fruits of the Spirit, His words sow life, I want to reap what I can get.

"Sometimes your entire life boils down to one insane move." - Jake Sully, Avatar
And sometimes, Gentleness really is jus an insane move.

First of Journalling Gentleness

Journal: Who deserves the attention

How shallow am I. Always turning inwards, to see myself, tend to my lonely being. I'm always one to try to do good in the world. Make it better, that somehow through acts and words the Lord gives me will somehow move the world a little closer to knowing His love.

The Lord says "Do", I cringe out of fear of the unknown but I do.
The Lord says "Say this..", despite my foggy brain I "say this" knowing Lord will do with His power with His words what He may.

Still, even 'til now, a lot of me wants people to see that I do good. My lust for praise, after tuning in to what my yearnings actually sound like is as banging pots and jibberish baby talk.
If after all this time I still look for the constant encouragement of others,

have I not really seen Jesus' command as enough? That He's pleased with me when others don't see what I do?

Gaahhhhh.

Stupid human feelings. I know I slap myself for things I think, say or do most times. God? Your patient with me right?

In all this banter, I'm still talking about myself..

To get to the point, I know I've especially been bothered by not been given "proper praise" for things I do since I've moved back to Abbotsford (August 2008). It's come to minor explosions within me especially in the past year, and I feel the festering crap building up in me, higher and higher, and I know I've let the frustrations creep out some.

Lid's not goin stay on til I actually get somethin done with this.

So I was here with you Lord, in our green/brown room of our place that we are soon moving out of, reading The Practice of Godliness on the Chapter to do with Gentleness.

I've jus felt like You've laid your heart on mine and let me feel some of what You feel all the time. I spat about attention I don't get. I don't hear.. or don't think I hear of the spats You have about attention your nation doesn't give you.

Humbles me to know my concerns are so feeble. And Jesus, yours are great, your glory is unspeakable.

"To WHOM will you compare Me???

Or WHO is MY EQUAL? says the Holy One.

Lift your eyes..

and look! to the heavens:

WHO CREATED ALL THESE?

He who brings out the starry host one by one,

and calls them each by name.

Because

of His great power

and mighty strength,

not one of them is missing".

isaiah 40:25&26

(Image from "The Johnson Nebula" blog)

Wow.

YES! Who has made all that we know to be there? The Holy One.

I suddenly feel so small again. I am awakened again to see HE is SO GREAT again.

And you're a jealous God! I know I've experienced jealousy.. i know I would give all to smite the person who was stealing my love's attention.

You're a patient God. I don't understand that. In all the things I know I do and I know what people in world must do.. that anyone in right mind would go nuts and impatient with the human race such as yourself. But Bible speaks of your patience, gentleness, love, compassion.

I've fallen in love with your pursuing heart Lord.

I love your Love.

I thank you so much for so much I know I don't even know of all the amazing tasks you perform day to day, second by second.

Show me how You've made me to give YOU the GLORY?! In all the ways you've knit me, how do I give you praise you deserve?... please, I'm at lost sometimes.

And none of that to even be about me giving you praise, but in that when you time to time search the world through for hearts that will love you, listen to you, when you are looking for your spirit within our souls screaming for praise to you, I believe it is You who has placed that desire within me to praise you in the first place and really it's your Holy Spirit in me!

GLORY. IS ALL YOURS.

I dont have to move the world. Already, the Lord has come to this world, He's stepped from God Almighty to humbled savior we know as Jesus Christ.

God, I see you.

You've made all that we see, you've made paths that we can venture that lead right to you.

Thank you for your Holy Spirit that you've poured into us.

To glorify you

and only you my Lord,

here I am.

Journalling: Gentleness

Psalm: Face to Face

Prayer is something we can carry with us wherever we are- in the cities, in the country, on our knees, while we walk, with many people, when (if!) we're swallowed by fish (Jonah 2), "before the cross", before the altar, in church, in the allies, our homes 'behind closed doors', during the day, in the long nights

~By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life~Psalm 42.8

Our prayers are like burned incense, it rises up like smoke and is a sweet smell to God. All of the prayers in the world rise up and is a sweet smell to God.

Psalm 141:2 ~May my prayer be set before you like incense; may the lifting up of my hands be like the evening sacrifice.~

This picture to the right reminds me of that. We are face to face with God. We are meeting with the Almighty, our soul continuing to shift to be in line with Him, life is pouring into us. Our life lifted up in prayer before God... as sweet incense. Something I also see in the picture is that as the prayers are lifted up, there's an aroma going up, like fire. There's something beautiful about a thousand voices, or congregation full, of people when they're all lifted as one voice, on prayer, one song. Unity God desires us to have, a community with the same heart after God. It's beautiful. I am also reminded of heaven when I hear all the voices lifted together. I imagine the angels singing with us as we give glory to our King.

...I admit, I think.. wait, I know that my prayers really do stink sometimes. There's no meaning to it. I pray for selfish reasons, or I WANT certain things from God. There's a lot of reasons prayers go stinky. Ewk. Slowly prayers were every other day and then whenever I was in need. The less I prayed, I noticed the more I had trouble in my life's walk. My actions became slower. My faith became more "work" rather than jus living it simply. I looked and looked, but did not perceive. "Aah God! I need help!"

And this was the thing, I knew I could talk to God, I knew I could hear Him and knew He was listening, but.. shame. It drove me from kneeling before God. Unworthiness told me I could no longer look into the face of God. But...God is forgiving. Anyone who confesses wrong-doing and takes forgiveness is taken into the Lord's embrace. They stand in GRACE. "Grace is sufficient" (vs?) He whispers "I have heard your prayer". The barrier is then removed FULLY, I imagine for those who hoped in the Lord in the Bible and I know for me, life HAS poured out once those words were spoken "I have heard your prayers". Relief like waves of peace wash over my soul and bless my heart, 'I am heard. Someone is listening'.

All seasons, every season, we can come before the Lord.

Broken and shamed and hurting and sinful,

He lets our eyes see Him. He moves so far to blanket us with Grace. More than even we want, He desires of our worship. To say "Yes" to Him, to say "Jesus, my Savior"...

He embodies us with His covering Holy Spirit,

and then,

truely we can say "Abba"

... and truely He says "My child..."

Face to Face II

Face to face with God Himself. We kneel before Him in prayer, the eyes of our hearts look heavenward, and the hands of our soul reach out. We converse. It's about the waiting, We listen. In silence. God quiets the voices in our heads that seem loud. Forgetting the worries of this world. Laying down "responsibilities" of life. Let His Holy Presence hover over you. Let Him take off the weights of the worries.. fears.. expectations.. family pressures... let go of anxiety of friendships, throw off pressures of work, pressures of school.

This is a promise assured to you: "God heard them, for their prayer reached heaven, his holy dwelling place (2 Chronicles 30.27)" It's just you and God. Let Him take you on a journey- a place of peace apart from your busy world. What does that place look like? Imagine it.

My journey that He takes me to is to Himself. Standing before 'a great presence'. I take God's presence with me wherever I go, as if He is there right then. He's with me now. He's with you. I lose myself in Him. There's only light in Him. No darkness. When I desire to hide from the world, I hide myself in him. When I need healing, I am wrapped in God's arms. When I am afraid, His presence is with me. When I'm angry.. I vent my frustration to God or wait. Wait and let His understanding console me. One thing I would love is that in every season of my soul.. I would dance.

Every one of us just naturally move in a certain way in how we are. God's pressed into us grooves here, markings there. Seeing the contrast with God's eyes of His created one is great! To be with a whole lot of people, in every individual I jus see how wonderfully they are made and in some way I see Jesus in them. Dancing is natural. Not only to me. To many. Probably more than I can imagine. I know, I know! there are people who desire to dance when I'm in church, at college, or big groups. But no one does it.

And so Lord, I pray release over my church. The spirit of your spontaneous joy be upon them. And they would know it's you. Some are in deep despair. Some wallow in arrogance. Some have shielded themselves so much, their walls they don't even know how many layers there are.

But You know.

You know the hearts of your people. You are calling them back. Bringing them up.

Redeeming what is yours. Though we are weak, we fail, we hurt, and doubt..

Give courage to those who feel your calling on their names, maybe it won't be dancing or praying aloud or anything as we see it, but small ways you move.

Give us eyes to see...

Psalm: You are Beautiful to me

This is a psalm, a love letter. Again in my dorm room at Columbia Bible College, during my first year, I was just awed at the remarkable beauty of my Lord. When I think of God, I see more than the beauty of sunsets, more synchronizing than that of fire, the peace of that soft blowing wind... SHEER beauty. None like Him, so I have written this...I was supposed to write a psalm for one of our trips sailing on the ocean (close to Victoria). I wrote this before I went out sailing in my room, imagining what it would be like out on the ocean, to see the sunrise and sunset.This poem was just a foreshadow. My experience was my poem made alive to see, to hear, to breathe, but even more so because... i was actually there.

"Yahweh, You are beautiful to me. Your beauty far greater than the angels, further than the dance of the sunset fire, deeper than the ocean at gaze. You captivate me, o my soul does fly. I, with the wind, do make my sails, upon your breathe, in your Son shining glory. Your wonder brings comfort upon my troubled soul. Your emnity draws my soul to your peace. O Beauty does mount up your name. Jesus... how I do love thee. So beautiful, all your ways, my Love. You meet me in the morning, your warmth of kiss to my soul, my thoughts are of you all my days, and my every moment that i am awake. Your wonder not due at sun break, but it goes on in through the nights, we walk upon the beach of my life. We gaze at the stars you have placed. We walk, we run, we sit, we dance. My Lord, theres none but words I can find, none in this world, for its not of You, none that could describe Your beauty in my eyes. How much more wondrous you are! Draw me closer, draw me into Your heart... Your beauty fills my eyes, I can only stare, there's none that I can say but- Jesus, You are so beautiful to me."